Writer’s block. It seems as though I’ve had it since last year when I last posted here. I have tried and tried to write something but whatever I wrote seemed to fall flat and I ended up scrapping it. None of it was good enough or conveyed the message I wanted to convey. Where was this coming from? It has taken me quite a while to figure that out. The desire to be perfect and not show my vulnerable side had a lot to do with it.
Why do we desire to be perfect? I think many people have that need but especially those who have experienced childhood sexual and emotional abuse. We were trained at a very early age that we had to endure everything our adult abuser(s) had us do. We learned that if we didn’t do everything right we risked the awful chance that we would lose their love. We did not understand that the so called love we were given was conditional with that condition being perfection. We had no choice as children but to be as perfect as we possibly could to avoid rejection. This was proven to me that when I was finally able to speak up at the age of 18 to stop the abuse my abuser rejected me. He no longer wanted to have anything to do with me even with all of my reaching out to him. I didn’t understand at that point why he didn’t “love” me anymore. This was a time when sexual abuse was not understood, and that it created trauma in a young person’s life. PTSD becomes a part of that life. Dealing with PTSD is so very difficult because the abused may keep re-living the abuse and feel guilt not only for what happened to them but more importantly live with the feeling they played a part in such a horrendous act. The guilt and shame can be devastating. This experience wounds that child as surely as if he had been through a war.
No matter what you do it’s not good enough and if you put it out there you would be rejected. That’s one of the hardest results of childhood sexual abuse. The idea is that if you are not perfect no one will ever love you. You will be left alone. The idea of perfection gets in the way of taking any kind of action for fear of falling short. You feel stuck!
I had another adult in my life who had unrealistic expectations of me as a child. It didn’t matter what I did because it was never good enough. I was often made to go back and re-do things until I got it “right.” This was not so much as to teach me a lesson but to show his power over me. There was never any acknowledgement that I tried and did my best. For example, I was on the wrestling team in high school and after 2 years of asking him to come to a match he finally came. And of course I lost my match and the only thing I received from him was a look of disappointment and a shake of his head. He never came to another match. It didn’t matter that I made it to the championship that year. And I think the only reason I was even on the wrestling team was to show him how tough I could be.
And so now I am writing this knowing that it is not perfect but it is coming from my heart, which is where all great things come from. My heart is telling me to write, to write whatever comes to me, whatever is good. To write to reach others who have had similar experiences and to show by example that there is something better. I have been through these things and in many ways have come out the other side. It’s not that I have been completely healed for healing is a journey, but I do understand better what has caused these feelings and now have tools to help me get through those tough times. My heart’s wish is to lift those survivors up, to shine light on them so they can see their own light and know that they are in the arms of Divine Love. To Divine Love they are already perfect just as they are and not only are they a survivor but even more, a thriver. This is what I desire to show the world!
With Love and Light!