Writers Block or the Desire to be Perfect

Writer’s block. It seems as though I’ve had it since last year when I last posted here. I have tried and tried to write something but whatever I wrote seemed to fall flat and I ended up scrapping it. None of it was good enough or conveyed the message I wanted to convey.Pen-and-Paper Where was this coming from? It has taken me quite a while to figure that out. The desire to be perfect and not show my vulnerable side had a lot to do with it.

Why do we desire to be perfect? I think many people have that need but especially those who have experienced childhood sexual and emotional abuse. We were trained at a very early age that we had to endure everything our adult abuser(s) had us do. We learned that if we didn’t do everything right we risked the awful chance that we would lose their love. We did not understand that the so called love we were given was conditional with that condition being perfection. We had no choice as children but to be as perfect as we possibly could to avoid rejection. This was proven to me that when I was finally able to speak up at the age of 18 to stop the abuse my abuser rejected me. He no longer wanted to have anything to do with me even with all of my reaching out to him. I didn’t understand at that point why he didn’t “love” me anymore. This was a time when sexual abuse was not understood, and that it created trauma in a young person’s life. PTSD becomes a part of that life. Dealing with PTSD is so very difficult because the abused may keep re-living the abuse and feel guilt not only for what happened to them but more importantly live with the feeling they played a part in such a horrendous act. The guilt and shame can be devastating. This experience wounds that child as surely as if he had been through a war.

No matter what you do it’s not good enough and if you put it out there you would be rejected. That’s one of the hardest results of childhood sexual abuse. The idea is that if you are not perfect no one will ever love you. You will be left alone. The idea of perfection gets in the way of taking any kind of action for fear of falling short. You feel stuck!

I had another adult in my life who had unrealistic expectations of me as a child. It didn’t matter what I did because it was never good enough. I was often made to go back and re-do things until I got it “right.” This was not so much as to teach me a lesson but to show his power over me. There was never any acknowledgement that I tried and did my best. For example, I was on the wrestling team in high school and after 2 years of asking him to come to a match he finally came. And of course I lost my match and the only thing I received from him was a look of disappointment and a shake of his head. He never came to another match. It didn’t matter that I made it to the championship that year. And I think the only reason I was even on the wrestling team was to show him how tough I could be.

And so now I am writing this knowing that it is not perfect but it is coming from my heart, which is where all great things come from. My heart is telling me to write, to write whatever comes to me, whatever is good. To write to reach others who have had similar experiences and to show by example that there is something better. I have been through these things and in many ways have come out the other side. It’s not that I have been completely healed for healing is a journey, but I do understand better what has caused these feelings and now have tools to help me get through those tough times. My heart’s wish is to lift those survivors up, to shine light on them so they can see their own light and know that they are in the arms of Divine Love. To Divine Love they are already perfect just as they are and not only are they a survivor but even more, a thriver. This is what I desire to show the world!

With Love and Light!

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What About Doubt?

What about doubt?

Doubt comes to us all from time to time. But as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse doubt can seem ever-present. Growing up with this abuse was living in constant doubt about the act of the abuse, doubt about trusting others, doubting myself, doubting decisions that I made. I still deal with that doubt today to some degree. And why wouldn’t I?

I was always being told by my abuser that he loved me faith-doubtand I believed him. But at the same time I felt there was something wrong with that relationship. It didn’t seem natural and as a child I didn’t know why. But he was the adult and kept telling me that what was going on was natural and beautiful.

At the same time I was being told by another adult in my life that I was good for nothing. Nothing I did was ever good enough for him. I was stupid in his eyes and would never amount to anything. Imagine the confusion I was living with. Was I worthless or loved? I finally came to the conclusion that I was worthless. As evidence, when the sexual abuse finally ended when I was 18 my abuser no longer wanted anything to do with me. I was hurt and confused and at the same time relieved that the abuse was over! I once tried to tell someone about the abuse and was met with impatience so I was never able to tell her. The other adult continued berating me and putting me down. Talk about doubt in myself!

Doubt, Doubt, Doubt! Did I want to even have a relationship with my abuser anymore? Did I want to continue to take the constant put downs. I doubted everything! I lived with self-doubt for most of my adult life never knowing if I was making the right decisions. Doubting what kind of husband and father I should be. What kind of employee I should be. What kind of friend I should be. Wondering if people would like me if they knew about the sexual abuse. It mostly paralyzed me.

As you can see doubt is a close relative to shame and guilt. Shame that I was a participant, unwilling or not in the sexual abuse. Guilt because of the abuse as well as the notion that I could never do anything right and was never good enough to amount to anything.

Well there is hope! Over time I have begun to see my self-worth. I can see that I can make good decisions when I need to. I have begun to love myself for who I am. Sure doubt comes into my being but it no longer runs my life. It wasn’t until I started to believe that I was worthy, smart, lovable even loved by myself, that doubt became less and less powerful for me. I see now that the sexual abuse had nothing to do with me but said volumes about the abuser. I see now that the put downs I kept receiving came from his own insecurities and has nothing to do with my own worth. The doubts are slowly having less and less power over me. path_road-less-traveled

There is a light at the end of the path whichever path I have taken. At least now I’ve taken a path and not stood paralyzed wondering which way I should go.

“Your Faith, your Love, your Beauty, your Truth is a hundred times more powerful than doubt. Faith is like the Sun, doubt is like a cloud. Yes, there are some cloudy days and let them be there. The Sun will eventually SHINE!           http://www.lifelongquotesandsayings.com

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